The Emperor’s Airhole [FICTOID]

Just to prove they could do it, Canada built the greatest roller coaster of all time:  The Emperor’s Airhole.

It covered six square miles, rose over a thousand feet at its highest point, and offered hundreds of miles of sinuous, curving track.

It presented precipitous plunges, deliciously decadent dark rides, and enough high speed hi-jinx to satisfy the cravings of the most demanding thrill junkies.

Thanks to track switching, no two rides were ever exactly alike.

Despite this, every ride shared one common element:  The Emperor.

Nobody knew if he was a real emperor or not.  The company that ran the park claimed he was and installed him as the monarch of the ride.

He certainly didn’t act like a conventional emperor.  Instead of wearing a regal purple robe and being waited on hand and foot, the Emperor Trendius the First / Last / Only dressed in foole’s motley, skulking about the premises like a cross between the Phantom of the Opera and the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

That was all part of the appeal, of course.  Spotting the emperor became a challenge and riders who could document their sighting with a photo or video would get a free heroin flavored ice cream cone at the kiosk just outside the exit to The Emperor’s Airhole.

The heroin flavored ice cream was a powerful inducement for return customers, and riders kept coming back again and again.

Many tried to sneak into the roller coaster to pretend they were the emperor, but all came to sad ends.

The lucky ones merely got trespassed and permanently barred from the park (no more heroin flavored ice cream for you, smart alec!).

The unlucky ones…the unlucky ones ended up torn and mutilated by fast moving roller coaster cars…and there are some who claim the emperor himself killed and ate more than a few transgressors.

There was no evidence for this, of course, which argued in favor of the emperor consuming them skin, bones, and all.

Neither man nor emperor, after all, could live by heroin flavored ice cream alone.

Why did they call it The Emperor’s Airhole?  No matter how many variable tracks there were, all rides ended in the same place:  A long, dark tunnel that riders exited with a loud rush of air.

“We’ll call it The Emperor’s Airhole,” said the marketing department.

“Why?” asked the owners.

“Because it sounds so much nicer than The Emperor’s Anus.”

© Buzz Dixon