The Honorable Congresswoman From Sheethill, Alabama [FICTOID]

The honorable congresswoman (she insisted on the term) from Sheethill, Alabama came to the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation ostensibly looking for answers but in reality to preen on camera for her imbecilic voters.

“I want to know what you commie reds are doing on American soil!” she screeched.

“First off,” the Lakota chief said, “we are not ‘red’.  That’s a term white people imposed on us to justify taking our land.

“Second, we were here before there was a Soviet Union, long before there was even a nation called Russia, much less anything resembling communism.

“We were here before the Europeans named these continents the ‘Americas’.

“And why are you down on communism?  Doesn’t your party adore Kim Jong Un?”

“What’s he saying?” the honorable congresswoman from Sheethill, Alabama asked her aide.  “Why doesn’t he say ‘ugh’ and ‘how’ like he’s supposed to?  Why is he talking like he’s better than me?”

The aide cleared his throat.  “The honorable congresswoman from Sheethill, Alabama is here on a fact finding mission.”

“What facts does she hope to find?” the Lakota chief asked.

The aide looked acutely embarrassed.  “Actually, we were hoping you’d tell us.  We don’t know anything about your reservation.”

“Ever think of Googling first?  We’ve got a website and there’s also an entry for us on Wikipedia.  Or you could always go to a library.  I would recommend Federal government websites but your party leader took them all down.”

“The honorable congresswoman from Sheethill, Alabama eschews public libraries.  She maintains there’s only one book with all the answers.”

“The Bible, huh?”

“No, Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged.”

“Has she actually read Atlas Shrugged?” asked the Lakota chief.  “If so, I am impressed at her perseverance.”

“She didn’t actually read it,” said the aide, “but she watched the movie.  To be honest, she didn’t actually watch the movie, she asked a cousin who saw it to tell her about it.”

“Really?  Who is this cousin?”

“A five-year old related to her by blood and marriage.  He gave a rather colorful rendition of the movie, embellishing on all the boring parts.”

“And by ‘boring part’ you mean the entire movie.”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“Enough of this pow-wow,” screeched the honorable congresswoman from Sheethill, Alabama.  “Show me some facts I can get outraged about.”

“Funny, I would have thought you’d keep a make-up mirror in your purse for that,” said the Lakota chief.

“What did he say?” the honorable congresswoman from Sheethill, Alabama asked.

“He said he would try to find something for you,” the aide said, looking at the Lakota chief with a plaintive shrug.

“Let me show you the lake of Forgetfulness,” said the chief.  He took them over to a small, muddy cattle watering hole surrounded by barbed wire and skull-and-crossbones signs.

“This is their Lake of Forgetfulness?” sneered the honorable congresswoman from Sheethill, Alabama. “Doesn’t look very impressive.  This some primitive native superstition?”

“No,” said the chief.  “This is where some frat boys from Bringham Young University threw their fentanyl stash when the DEA helicopter chased them.

“They were smuggling it in via private plane when the DEA gave chase.  They dumped their load over our lands.  Luckily it landed here.  We fenced it off to keep people safe.”

“What did he say?” the honorable congresswoman from Sheethill, Alabama asked her aide.

“He said, ‘Ugh!  Big sky bird put bad medicine in lake.  Heap big trouble.”

“Just like I said, silly native superstition,” said the honorable congresswoman from Sheethill, Alabama.  “Look, I’ll prove it.”

She squeezed between strands of barbed wire.  “See? Nothing bad happened to me.”

“Tell her not to drink the water,” said the Lakota chief.  “In fact, tell her, “Ugh!  Heap big chief say no go swimming in lake.”

“I heard that!” said the honorable congresswoman from Sheethill, Alabama.  “You can’t tell me what to do!”

With that she kicked off her shoes and waded in.

It took the fentanyl only seconds to work through osmosis.  The honorable congresswoman from Sheethill, Alabama looked more vacant than usual and began swimming in the muddy pond, taking in big gulps of water. Soon she forgot all about swimming and sank to the bottom like a stone.

“Well, that settles that,” said the Lakota chief.

“You mind if I take a few gallons of this back to D.C. to share with our party leaders?” the aide asked.

© Buzz Dixon