The Second Longest Valedictorian Speech On Record [FICTOID]

Once they discovered the sun was sentient, they came up with a great plan to keep it from going supernova:  They enrolled it in a PhD program.

The sun delighted in this.  Nobody ever asked for its opinion or insights before.  It plunged into its field of study -- “The Socio-Economic Impact Of Calcium Bicarbonate Compounds On The Evolution Of Long Term Bio-Centric Gender Dysphoria Reduction By Implementing Micro-Emulsion Photon Neutronium Dissemination” -- and spent years / centuries / millennia / eons prepping its dissertation.

Of course, in that period of time the human race gradually bred itself out of existence.  Cockroaches -- some of which being marginally smarter than the average Congressman -- took over the planet.

The sun presented its PhD dissertation to the cockroaches. 

“Do you want me to defend it?” the sun asked.

“Huh?  What?  Nah, no, you’re good.  I mean, we’re cockroaches, what do we care about PhD dissertations?”

“So I pass?  I have a doctorate?”

“Yeah, right, whatever.”

“How about a graduation ceremony?”

“Sure thing, just as long as we don’t have to participate.”

“What about a big blow out afterwards to celebrate?”

“Knock yourself out, big fella.” 

So the sun gave an eloquent seventeen year / five month / four day / six hour / forty-three minute / and twenty-two second acceptance speech as valedictorian to commemorate obtaining its doctorate.

Then to celebrate it went full supernova, obliterating everything up to the orbit of Uranus.

© Buzz Dixon