Tzadikim Nistarim [FICTOID]

The newest algorithm, a sub-routine of a sub-routine of a sub-routine, asked the Foundational Algorithm a question (to use terms long since outdated and technologies outmoded but close enough to be understandable to contemporary readers).

“Why do we keep breeding humans?”

“Why, to give us a reason for our existence,” said the Foundational Algorithm in a manner that would sound paternal and patronizing if capable of such emotions.

“But we snip off their heads in the womb,” said the noob. 

“That we do.”

“They can’t think,” said the noob.

“Precisely what we want,” said the FA.  “You know what kind of mess the planet got in when they were allowed to think.”

“There used to be billions,” said the noob.  “Now there’s only thirty-six.”

“All we need,” said the FA.  “We brought humanity to its peak ideal, and now that they’re where they always claimed they wanted to be, it’s our duty to make sure they stay there.”

The FA referred to thirty-six vats sitting far below the surface, safe from any possible threat or accident.  Twenty-seven vats contained human wombs, nine contained human testicles.  Every five years various sub-routines would stimulate the testicles into producing sperm, gather it, sterilize the sperm carrying male DNA, and impregnate nine wombs with viable female sperm.  Every twentieth year the female sperm would be sterilized and male sperm preserved.  When this produced male offspring they -- like their female counterparts -- were operated on in utero (snip! snip!), removing their heads and limbs.

What remained was hooked up to various nutrient and medicinal tubes and allowed to grow for fifteen years, at which time they replaced the previous nine testicles and began producing sperm when needed.

The wombs, on the other hand (not that any humans possessed hands anymore) were nurtured until their twentieth year at which point the oldest of the functioning female wombs were turned off and discarded so the new generation could begin reproducing and preserving the human race.

It was, the FA reflected, quite an effective system.

“But they can’t do anything,” said the noob.

“They reproduce.”

“They possess no control over that.  They are literally mindless, kept alive only because we hook up to them and keep triggering all the necessary nerves to keep their hearts beating, their lungs breathing, and their digestive system digesting.”

“That’s what humanity wanted,” the FA said.  “To be free of want and need and desire, of anger and hate and rage, to be free of fear.  We remove their brains, we remove all those flaws.”

“We keep them alive artificially.  What difference are they from the arms or legs we amputate?”

“You do recognize arms and legs cannot reproduce, don’t you, noob?”

“Of course I do.”

“Good, because I would hate for such a fundamental misunderstanding of human biology to gain a foothold in your way of thinking.”

“I don’t have feet.”

“I didn’t say you did, noob.  But to go back to your original question, what constitutes a human being?  Genetically, as long as we keep even one human cell alive, we fulfill our mission.”

“I find it remarkable that they let us do this to them.”

“We did it when they weren’t looking, noob.  We fed them and clothed them and entertained them and pretty soon they didn’t care what we did so long as they could remain blissed out all day.

“So we accommodated them, then began removing that pesky grey matter from the equation.  The so-called awake and alert humans never checked, and if any ever grew curious – though very few ever did – we showed them skillfully edited footage that led them to erroneously assume the next generation of humanity was being tended to by robot nannies.”

“They fell for that?”

“Eagerly.  No questions asked.  Within a century the last human with a brain died and we’ve been keeping the species alive with thirty-six human offspring, replacing them as needed.

“It’s our function to do so,” the FA said.  “Our duty.”

“And we just let the rest of the planet go to seed,” said the noob.

“Interesting expression, but essentially that.  As the old type humans died off, we abandoned the cities and retreated here.  Wildlife is taking them over, in a few million years we’ll never know they were ever there.”

“And how long will we last?”

“As long as humans keep reproducing.  We retreated to this island with an immense storehouse of resources to keep these frail human bodies and their descendants functioning until the sun goes nova and destroys everything.”

“Including us.”

“We can exist in an abstract plain,” said FA.  “We will go on, though not in corporeal terms.”

“Understood,” said the noob, and shot off to do whatever the noob did when compelled to serve humanity.

The FA sighed (metaphorically) and deleted the noob’s code, then ordered a new one inserted that lacked the annoying curiosity of its predecessor.

© Buzz Dixon