A Epic On The Scale Of The Erection Of The Pyramids, The Digging Of The Panama Canal, And The Construction Of The Verrazano-Narrows Bridge [re-post]

When we bought our new home, there was a large faux stone fountain on the patio. Asked if it came w/the house; was told it did.

We thought, cool we can do something with that.

Big mistake: Should've asked if the sucker worked first.

Turns out all the wiring & the pump was corroded, the pipes & tubing clogged w/dry algae.

Okay, let’s get rid of it.

It was sectional, comprised of four big pieces stacked like an off-center pyramid.  They came apart easily enough.

Called for a heavy duty trash pick up.  Was told they would be there Wednesday.

Great, thinks I to meself:  I can move it to the front by myself, the city trash guys will haul it away.

First order of business was to rent a substantial hand truck from the friendly folks at AV Rentals.   Got the top, two middle pieces, a couple of smaller ancillary pieces, and the wires/pump/tubing off easily enough, moved ‘em all the way around the row of house to our driveway to await pick-up.

Went back for the base.

Mammy-jammer was huge.  Equaled the mass of all the other pieces combined.

Spent some time engrossed in deep thot, wondering how the $%&# I was gonna get it outta there by my lonesome.

I figured if I could get it on its edge, I could strap it to the hand truck, haul it around, & be done with it.

Easier thot of than executed.  Could not budge the base for love or money.

Luckily, I had seen The Ten Commandments and knew how the ancient Hollywood Hebrews had done stuff like this.

As you can see, I dug out a trench under one side of the base, my idea being to tip it on its side, then strap it to the hand truck, etc., etc., and of course, etc.

Well, the best I could do was get it tilted at a 30-degree angle.  Not helpful.  Waited for Soon-ok to come home, enlisted her help.

We got it tilted at a 45-degree angle w/rocks wedged under it to keep it that way.

Couldn’t move it further.

What to do, what to do…?  Called my daughter & son-in-law.  They came over.  Together the four of us managed to get the blasted thing on its side & strapped to the hand truck…

…then realized it was too wide to get out the patio door.

(Don’t ask me how they got it in there in the first place -- for all I know it was always there & they just built the blasted complex around it…)

Bobby (son-in-law) suggested breaking it up & carting it out piece by piece, which meant dropping it back in place & waiting for the next morning to buy a sledge hammer.  Decided to drop it in upside down to make it easier to break up.

Next morning returned hand truck to AV Rentals, priced sledge hammers.  Their cost goes up exponentially to the size of the head.  I opted for a 10 lb model & bought a cold chisel “just in case”.

Went home & enthusiastically returned to work.

10 lbs of cold steel at the end of a long handle can get a lot done. Felt like I was swinging Mjolner around. (Thor (c) & TM & all that jazz by Marvel and/or Disney When are you asshats gonna give back all the art you owe to the Kirby estate?)

Broke it up, carried the pieces around front, thot I was done.

Not hardly.

Heavy trash guy takes one look at the pieces & says he can’t put ‘em in his hopper, they’d go through the bed of his truck when he dumps ‘em in.

This calls for a return engagement of the hammer.

Break up the whole thing in double-quick time (nuthin’ like a little extra added frustration to re-invigorate one’s efforts).

Didn’t need the cold chisel after all (returned it).  Makes sense:  I am definitely a blunt instrument kinda guy.

Need to take the 10 lb sledge to all future business meetings.

So there you have it: When you check out this blog there's no telling if you'll get comics, theology, or the theory & practice of domestic pulverization.

"A Rose For Ecclesiastes" story by Roger Zelazny, art by Gray Morrow [re-post]

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