J. D. Salinger Dreams Of Hippopotami [FICTOID]

“I must be hallucinating,” J. D. Salinger said.

“You’re not,” whispered the hippopotamus.

“Hippopotamuses don’t talk,” said Salinger.

“Depends exactly on what you mean by ‘talk’,” said the hippopotamus.  “Our voices are soft, it’s your biased expectation of loudness associated with mass that surprises you.

“On the other hand, you might be of the opinion that being hippopotami we are incapable of communicating with humans.

“Nothing could be further from the truth as this conversation indicates.”

“Do you talk to anyone else?”

“You mean humans?  No, though we frequently converse with one another.”

“So why me?”

“Until you started talking, we assumed you’d be able to grasp our reasons.  Now we’re not so sure.”

“Is it because I wrote ///Catcher In The Rye///?”

“Human, please…”

“Is it my spiritual beliefs?  I have a lot of them, you know.”

“We know.  We wait for the one we want to come around again like a carousal.”

“Scientology?  Is that what you’re looking for?”

“If you’re going to be insulting, I’ll leave.  I don’t care how good an actor Tom Cruise is.”

“You like Tom Cruise movies?”

“Yes, especially the earlier, funnier ones.”

“I would have thought hippopotamuses would prefer Disney cartoons.”

“Because of that one silly, stupid segment in ///Fantasia///.  You’re displaying your species bias again -- and it’s not very flattering.”

“So what do you want with me?  Is it due to my interest in yoga and Hindu spiritual beliefs?”

“Ah, now we’re getting somewhere.  Yes, it is for those reasons.  And since you deduced my cause, now I can share my message with you:  ‘Look for the sign of the meerkat’.”

A long, loud silence followed.  The hippopotamus farted once or twice in the interim.

“That’s it?” Salinger asked.

“That’s it.”

“What’s it mean?”

“That’s for you to find out.”

“So what happens if I don’t go on this quest?”

“Nothing.”

“And if I do?”

“Nothing.”

“So what have I got to gain from all this?”

“Nothing, and that’s the beauty of it:  Absolute, pointless, nothing.”

© Buzz Dixon