…And How It Ends [FICTOID]

“That’s a pretty massive dental injury you have there.  What happened?”

“Mmphgh.”

“With a chair?  In your mouth?”

“Mmphgh.”

“Did you have him arrested?”

“Mmphgh.”

“No?  The police refused to book him?”

“Mmphgh.”

“Your fault?  What did you say or do to provoke that?”

“Mmphgh.”

“You did?  Well, no wonder.  I’d do the same thing if you did it here – calm down!  It’s a joke.  A j-o-k-e.  I wouldn’t hit you with a chair, not when I’ve got an autoclave full of dental tools.”

“Mmphgh.”

“Sit down!  It’s a joke – a j-o-k-e.  Now, open wide and lets take a look at the damage.”

“Mmphgh.”

“Wow, he really did a number on you, didn’t he?  In a way it makes my job easier, a tabula rasa that I can create a brand new set of choppers in.”

“Mmphgh.”

“Hey would you like something different?  I can outfit you with classic 1990s gangsta rapper grillwork, gold and diamonds, real cool.”

“Mmphgh.”

“Too expensive for you?  Okay, how about fangs?  I can do vampire fangs, werewolf fangs, Lon-Chaney-London-After-Midnight fangs.  Or shark teeth.  Imagine having a row of those in your mouth.”

“Mmphgh.”

“No?  Yeah, I can see how that would be off putting to some.  How about we go in the opposite direction?  A mouth bristling with dozens of tiny silicon vibrators, all humming away at a variety of speeds and intensities. Imagine the pleasure you could import on your lady friends – hell, the pleasure you could import on yourself if you’re limber enough.”

“Mmphgh.”

“Not interested?  I understand.  A lot of people prefer the old, traditional look.  How about multiple colors?  No?  Okay.”

“Mmphgh.”

“So what triggered him to take a swing at you with a chair?”

“Mmphgh.”

“Really?  Immanuel Kant?  Why, today is your lucky day.  Not only am I an oral surgeon, I’m also a representative of the Immanuel Kant Book-Of-The-Month Club.  Imagine all the pain and suffering you could spare yourself by being knowledgeable on his work.”

“Mmphgh.”

“The cost?  Only $99.99 a month – but for you I’ll throw in a bonus:  Novocain for half price.”

© Buzz Dixon