Getting Their Number [FICTOID]

“Her name?  1976,” said the congressman.

“That was a good year,” said his wife, the movie star. 

She was promoting her new film, he was running for reelection so they granted the interview with the host of Twenty Questions.

“Why name your daughter after a year?” asked Hector Ramirez. 

“Well, it's much more efficient,” said the congressman.  “You put four digits together and you get six syllables. That's a profit of two syllables.”

“We name all of her attributes after numbers,” said the movie star.  She didn't like to read so she improvised most of her lines in her movie rather than memorize the script.  “Why say her feet are a size six-and-a-half when you can simply say 6.5?” 

“Decimal points,” beamed the congressman.  “We're teaching our daughter to be bilingual -- but no metric measurements.  Metric measurements are a communist idea.” 

“How does your daughter's school handle her name?”

“Her numeral, darling,” said the star.  “We don't use plebian terms like names or nouns.” 

“We say what they all say,” said the congressman.  “Pronouns are woke virus, don't you agree?”

“In any case, we don't care what her school might think because we have home schooled her,” said the movie star.  She appeared rather antsy, eager to start talking about her new movie not her daughter’s home schooling. 

“Don't both of you have full time careers?” Ramirez asked.  

“That we do,” said the congressman with a wink.  “Serving the public 24 / 7 over 365 days a year.  Why, just next week we're going on a fact finding mission to Monaco to find out if JFK had anything to do with Princess Grace's death.”

“He didn't,” said Ramirez. 

The congressman blinked. 

“JFK died decades before Princess Grace died.  There's no need to go to Monica to investigate anything.: “

Well…we'll find a reason once we get there,” said the congressman.

“Can we talk about my movie for a change?” the movie star asked. 

“In a minute,” said Ramirez.  “First I want to know how your daughter is home schooled if you both work full time.”

“Oh, we hire nannies,” said the star. 

“Your tax dollars at work.” said the congressman, winking again.  “One of the perks of being an elected official in these great United States.”

“Nannies and private tutors,” said the movie star.  “In fact she's with her creation science tutor right now.”

“None of that newfangled fact based liberal bias book learning for our kids,” said the congressman.  “Wouldn't be fair to the constituents back home. 

“Interesting point,” said Ramirez.  “Records show you haven't visited your home state in the last five years, not even a campaign.”

“Well, can you blame him, darling?” asked the star.  “It's such a dreary place, nothing but woods and farms and gap tooth inbred illiterate hillbillies all around.”

“Hey now,” said the congressman in a jovial tone, “don't be bad talking my constituents.  Gap toothed inbred illiterate hillbilly votes count just as much as city slickers -- even more if you figure in the Electoral College.”

“True,” purred the star, “and they do watch my movie so let's just forget I said anything.  When do you plan to air this?”

“…uh…this is a live stream,” said Ramirez.

“Ooh, they'll forget,” said the congressman.  “Just look at all my campaign promises.  Did I ever fulfill any of them?  Nope -- but they keep voting for me.”

“Let's talk about my movie,” the star said, her purrs segueing into a growl.

“In a moment,” said Ramirez.  “If your daughter is being home school does she have any playmates?” 

“Plenty,” beamed the congressman. 

“She does?” the star asked in surprise.

“Of course,” said the congressman.  “Who do you think all those brown skinned Venezuelan kids are?” 

“Hired help,” said the star. 

The congressman chuckled.  “Well, in a way I suppose they are.  I went down to the ICE concentration camp -- excuse me, detention facility -- and picked up a dozen of the healthiest looking ones.  Told him to be nice to my daughter -- “

“Our daughter,” the movie star said, hoping to edge in a word about her film.

“-- or I'd deport them and their families back to El Salvador muy pronto.”

“Don't you mean Venezuela? Asked Ramirez.  “That's where you said they were from.” 

“One South American hellhole is the same as any other,” said the congressman.  “You should know that better than anybody.” 

“R – i – I  – ght.   OK, before moving on to your film – “

“Finally!” said the  movie star.  “I play a – “

“In a moment.  Before moving on to your film, do you have any other children?”

“Oh, yes.  My son – “

“Our son.”

“ -- Congressman Junior.”

“Pardon?  Is that his name?”

“Yep, Congressman Junior.  That way when he grows up and runs, my beloved gap tooth inbred illiterate hillbillies don't need to think about who to vote for, just vote for the guy already named Congressman.” 

”Can we talk about my friggin movie already?!?!?” shrieked the star.

Ramirez cleared the wax out of his ear that her outburst dislodged.  “OK, tell us about it.”

“Well, I play an activist fighting to get good public schools for all the children in her state...”

© Buzz Dixon