Diamonds Are A Guru’s Best Friend [FICTOID]

“Why did you become an alchemist in the first place?  Was it to make diamonds?”

“Tut-tut, my dear boy, nothing so tawdry and common.  No, I made diamonds to justify my becoming an alchemist.”

“You made so many the De Beers corporation sent out hit teams to assassinate you.”

“Yes, and I ‘ass-inated’ them.  I hope they enjoy their lives as jackasses, braying and eating hay.”

“But you stopped making diamonds.”

“Once I made enough for my needs, yes.”

“And what are those needs?  A giant space laser to threaten humanity?”

“Why would I want to do that?  What has humanity ever done to me?  No, don’t tie me into some silly James Bond movie.  Alchemy isn’t mere sci-fi, it’s a blend of science and the supernatural.”

“So why make as many diamonds as you did?”

“To coat my swimming pool, dear boy.”

“A swimming pool?  Isn’t that the height of conspicuous consumption?”

“It would be if I publicized it.  But I don’t care who does or does not know about it.  I built it for the therapeutic benefits. 

“When I swim, sunlight refracts off the diamonds, heating the water to a pleasant temperature.  The diamonds also filter out harmful ultraviolent rays while at the same time allowing infrared energy to stimulate my endocrine system.

“Add to that it’s an excellent leprechaun repellant and you see why I made them.”

“’Leprechaun repellant’?”

“It’s an alchemistry thing, you wouldn’t understand.”

“But how did you get the idea to do this?”

“I was looking through the Vatican’s secret porn library -- “

“Wait -- the Vatican has a secret porn library?”

“Yes, of course, everybody knows that.”

“How did you gain access to the Vatican’s secret porn library?”

“The pope owes me a favor.  Anyway, I was looking through it when I came across this Renaissance edition of Playboy.”

“I thought Hugh Hefner created Playboy in the 1950s.”

“He did, but alchemists in the Renaissance could see into the future.  Now, do you want to hear my story or not?”

“Proceed.”

“Anyway, there was an article in that volume about the ideal Playboy bachelor palace, describing the diamond swimming pool in great detail.  It sounded beneficial so I decided to make one.”

“Anything else you’re going to conjure up from that issue of Playboy?”

“Well, I’ve given some thought to the ultimate stereo system, but that will mean creating two full size amphitheaters facing each other so two symphony orchestras can play simultaneously.”

© Buzz Dixon