Goosestep Through The Tulips With Me [FICTOID]

“There’s actually precedence for this,” said the colonel.  “In 1637 the over production of tulips in Holland caused a precipitous crash in the price of tulips, threatening to destroy the speculator market that the country came to depend upon.  The government ordered out the army to trample 90% of the tulips in the country in order to preserve the speculators’ fortunes.”

“We need you to destroy all these tulips,” said the scientist.

“Oh, we will, we will,” said the colonel.  His men stood at ready, wearing night vision goggles.

“Funny, said the scientist, “but when I was a kid I used to watch monster movies.  The monster was always a giant monster from outer space or the prehistoric past, or sometimes even an atomic mutant.  But never…flowers.”

“What about The Day Of The Triffids?” the colonel asked.  “Or Navy Vs. The Night Monsters?”  He thought a bit.  “I don’t suppose From Hell it Came would count, would it?”

“No, that was a tree stump, not a flower.  And even in the other movies, the plants were monsters, moving, attacking.  These…these are just tulips.”

“Not ‘just tulips’ if they render people unconscious.”

“There’s something about the form of the petals, the vein pattern among them, the subtle shading of color.  By themselves or combined, they cause humans to falls asleep the moment they see them.”

“But not dogs or cats?”

“No.  That’s why we think color may be crucial to the effect.”

“And it doesn’t affect humans who see it on a screen?”

“Depends on how high the screen resolution is.  Nobody who looked at them on high def TV fell asleep, but several of us grew drowsy.”

“And the people the flowers put to sleep?”

“All recovered.  They woke up once they sent in the rescue recovery robots to drag them to safety.”

“So what caused this?”

“As far as we can tell, just normal cross breeding of plants to produce a desirable effect.  The horticulturist in charge of the project said she wanted to create a calming effect.  I guess she succeeded too well.”

The sun started to dip below the horizon.  “Right,” said the colonel.  “Once it gets dark, I’ll lead my troops into the field and we’ll crush them -- literally -- underfoot.  Our night vision goggles will protect us.”

They waited until the last glow of the sun disappeared and the valley below plunged into total darkness.

“Company!” the colonel shouted.  “Attention!  Forward -- march!”

And off they marched.  When you think about it, the colonel mused, this is rather silly.  At the very least we should be fighting big bugs.

Nonetheless, a threat is a threat, and the army prepared to deal with it.

© Buzz Dixon