Drumming Up New Business (FICTOID)

By turning the screw holding the right temple to the frame eeeeever so slightly, she could tune in on the crucifix in Apartment 6 at 1995 Bleeker Street.

The bed beneath the crucifix lay empty.  From the plaster Jesus’ point of view it seemed apparent the room sat empty, set aside for visitors.

She frowned, took a sip of tea, and adjusted the screw for Apartment 7.

A pair of naked teens bounced enthusiastically although not gracefully on the bed in that room, oblivious to the plaster Jesus looking down on them.

She wished them well and moved on; unless one of them fell headfirst off the bed, they wouldn’t be customers.

Another adjustment, Apartment 12.  The man in that room looked like a rabbi.  Through the eyes of that room’s plaster Jesus she could see framed photos of the rabbi with happy, young Asian-American children.  Ah, must be the grandfather in a mixed marriage, she thought, then again adjusted the screw to the next apartment with a crucifix in the bedroom.

Paydirt.  An elderly woman lay breathing heavily on the bed, her covers rising and falling with great effort.

Knowing Cheynes-Stokes breathing when she heard it, she opted to try contacting the elderly lady.

“Hey,” she said.

The elderly woman stopped dying for a moment,  “Is that you, Lord Jesus?”

“…errr…you could say that.”

“What do you want of me, Lord Jesus?” the elderly lady asked, not fully grasping the reality of the situation.

“Have you told your family what you would like for aftercare?”

The elderly woman blinked.  “Aftercare?”

“Yeah.  You know, like when you die.”

“…nooo…”

“Good.  Next time you see them, tell ‘em you made arrangements with Otis Funeral Homes, got that?”

The elderly woman looked stunned but nodded.  “Otis Funeral Homes,” she said.

“Good, don’t forget.”

She signed off.  There were no more crucifixes in the apartment building so she decided to break for lunch.

Three referrals that morning, all thanks to the crazy eyeglasses her eccentric uncle invented.

She couldn’t figure out how they worked or why they could only focus through the eyes of Jesus on a crucifix, but a lot of Catholics died each day in the city and she was determined to find every one.

© Buzz Dixon