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Fictoid: Welcome To L.A.


8169024893_a15cdf8c00_o weclome to LA sm

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Conversation #30,208


Would you get down my coat, please?

Sure.  Which one?

The long red cashmere coat.

The Long Red Cashmere Coat.”
Sounds like a John D. MacDonald novel.

Or a Doris Day movie.

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Conversation # 30,107


Why do you always hit the heels of your shoes
against the floor before putting them on?

It’s a habit I picked up in Arizona.
I wanna knock loose any spiders or
scorpions that might have crawled inside.

In all the years you’ve done this have
you ever found a spider or a scorpion?


But it will only take one
to justify a lifelong habit.

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Conversation #21,211


Why do you have mom’s basement
filled with action figures?  Are you a
collector?  A dealer?

No.  I plan one of these days to turn
them into dioramas from the Bible so
I can witness to others.

Un-huh.  So when you make these dioramas,
what are you going to do with them?
Take them around to churches, schools?

No, they’re going to be on display in the house.

Mom’s kinda old and she’s legally blind.
I don’t think she’d be comfortable with hordes
of strangers traipsing in and out of her house.

Oh, it won’t be here.  It’ll be my house.

Un-huh.  You’re living in mom’s basement right now.

Yeah, but you see, God’s going to get me a job
as an NFL scout so I can afford to buy a house.


Then, in the off season, I can invite people
to come to my house and they will because of
my position as an NFL scout.  When they come
into my house they’ll see the dioramas and then
I can witness to them about Jesus Christ.

Un-huh.  Why don’t you just witness
to them now without the dioramas?

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Conversation #20,830


“Don’t let me buy
any more clothes,
I have enough already.”

“But what if it
looks really good
on you and is

“That’s okay.”

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Conversation #20,707


Every Writer’s Response:

“When do you plan to retire?”

“The day they pry my cold,
stiff fingers off my keyboard.”

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Conversation #20,125


“Do you still smoke cigars?”

“Well, I haven’t had one since last year,
so I guess the proper answer is:
I don’t know.”

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Conversation #11,208


“Hi, I was wondering if you might help me out.”

“Certainly.  We’re always ready to help parents.”

“Thanx.  Well, it seems my daughter lost her virginity at school today…”

“Oh, dear!

“Yeah, anyway, I was wondering if somebody
might have dropped it off here in the office.”

“I don’t know.  Let’s take a look in
the lost and found basket.
What color was it?”


“Hmmm, auburn…auburn…is this is?”

“No, that’s more of a reddish brown.”

“I see.  Would your daughter recognize it if she saw it?”

“Possibly, but if you don’t have anything in that color…”

“Sorry, no.  Some ash blondes
and one jet black, but no auburns.”

“Okay, well, I’ll have her check later in the week.”

“Good idea.  Maybe somebody will turn it in by then.

One thing, though:  Make sure your daughter doesn’t take
somebody else’s virginity home by mistake.”


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Conversation #11,206


Hi.  What are
you doing?

Minding my
own business.
And you?

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Conversation #11,127


Here, let me take this sweater off
the mannikin so you can try it on.
…..[much struggling]
I’m sorry, it’s hard to change their clothes:
Their joints don’t move and sometimes their limbs fall off.

Kinda like working at a mortuary, huh?

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