fearless
19/05/2013even when the doctors confirmed it was terminal
even when chemotherapy ravaged his body far worse than the disease
he didn’t stop being him
he was in pain, certainly, and there were a million and one tiny
details
that now had to be attended to just to keep his condition from becoming
unmanageable on a daily level
but that’s just what they were
details
the core of his being did not change
he still attended church
(as if church attendance in and of itself
amounts to anything; most regular church
goers would get the same benefit going to
the movies every sunday morning)
he voiced a faith that sounded in line with his fellow parishoners
but words are deceptive
the same words from one masks a simplistic garbled misunderstanding
while from another masks a profoundly nuanced wisdom of the spirit
so he talked the talk
but he walked the walk
not always
not perfectly
there were times one wanted to say
now can you possibly say / do / support that
and still call yourself a believer?
but it’s not our call to make
not our place to judge
he lived a conventional good life
worked hard
supported a family
had much to feel satisfied with
now that he reached the end
this is what makes him remarkable:
he is not in denial
he knows he is dying
he knows his daily routine reflects this
but nonetheless
he continues
living
no bucket list
no grandiose gestures
no regrets
no fears
was it his faith that gave him this strength?
then i realized strength had nothing to do with it
strength couldn’t possibly withstand the forces
unleashed against him
no, it was something different
something better:
balance
he stands — for as long as he is able –
a man who is alive
a man who feels no need to prove anything
because he knows himself
and that is sufficient
this is not bravery
bravery is admirable
courage in the face of adversity
intestinal fortitude, as it were
nothing wrong with that
but bravery starts with a negative
there must be fear before valour
what he shows is a far different thing
he stands there not because he is strong
but because he is fully alive
knowing who he is (past & present)
and because of that
not intimidated by what is to come
he has loved
he knows love
he has been a part of the lives of others
and has allowed others to be a part of him
his chipper attitude is no facade
that’s who he is
who he has been
and by the grace of God
who he will continue to be
he lives
and each breath he draws
is as precious
and as valid
and as full of promise
as the first one he drew
coming from the womb
until he dies
he lives
he loves
not afraid
not brave
fearless
and that just may be
the point of this story
that the way he lived
proved a blessing to himself
by giving him an attitude
that he couldn’t help but share
through the simple act
of being alive
and that attitude
made it easier for those who loved him
to minister to him
and care for him in his last days
thus making it easier to keep
the very attitude that blessed them in the first place
and in turn made their blessings possible
no grace is ever wasted
no charity is ever in vain
(c) Buzz Dixon








Beardo