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“Gosh, Mr. Satan, this is my best birthday ever!”
“…and your last.”
text (c) Buzz Dixon
“Did it hurt”///
“Did what hurt?”///
“When you fell from heaven”///
“Wait — did you just call me Satan?”///
“These are not the droids you’re looking for.” //
“?!?!? What the #%@& are you talking about, lady?
There aren’t any droids in that car!” //
“Wow, that worked better than I thought it would…”
underlying art by Walter Baumhofer
“He was my husband,” said Mercedes.
“I had to do it,” said the man.
“Yes, I know,” she murmured.
text from “My Husband Is A Redhead”
by Bill S. Ballinger in Cosmopolitan, October 1956
art by Alex Sharpe Ross
text (c) Diana Davis
Things went all ‘splodey. The good guys fought. The bad guys fought. Ouch, someone got hurt. More ‘splodey. Pew-pew. Good guys win!
Hieronymus Bosch – Garden Of Earthly Delights
So I says to St. Pete
says I to he
gate to heaven?
St. Pete says,
Oh we’ve got the gate
and it works very well.
Understand this life
and the previous life
are like elevators
in a skyscraper.
Down in the lobby level,
anybody can walk
back and forth, back and forth
between the two sides.
One side is the love others side,
and the other is the love myself side.
Depending on which side
you’re on when you die,
that’s the elevator you take
to the penthouse.
Now, those of you on the love others side,
when you died you came straight up here
non-stop, like a utility elevator:
Not exactly plush,
but it gets you there.
But if you were on the love myself side,
the fancy elevator takes you to a foyer
just outside the penthouse.
We have a canned message playing, saying,
“Every thing you think you believed was true is false
and if you renounce it, you can come in.
Take all the time you want in making your decision.”
Now here’s the thing:
If you were on the love myself side,
you’re not caring about other people,
you’re wondering how you
are going to get into heaven.
You’re asking yourself,
“Is this a trick?
Did I really believe
the wrong thing, or
are they just testing me?
“If I do renounce my belief,
and it was a test,
then I’m in hell for all eternity.
“But if they are telling the truth,
and I don’t renounce my belief,
then I’m damning myself to hell.”
You, and the others on this side,
worried less about getting to heaven
than you worried about loving your neighbors,
treating people fairly,
acting justly and
You have no belief to renounce
because you were doing,
The other side,
they’re stewing away,
sweating it out,
wondering which answer is correct.
And they know they only get
one shot at answering it,
and that answer
where they spend eternity.
Well, what about
the ones to choose,
one way or another?
What do you do
when they come
through the gate?
What do you say
about their choice
Never had that problem.
They’re so anxious for themselves,
they never get around to making the final choice.
Every time they nearly convince themselves one way,
they turn around and argue themselves out of it the other.
Lacking love, they possess only fear,
and fear is what keeps them from entering.
Seems mighty cruel.
St. Pete shrugs.
Keeps the assholes out.
(c) Buzz Dixon