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“The Greatest Dracula Story Ever Written” by Murray Langston

16/10/2014

GREATEST DRACULA STORY2

Two nuns, Sister Helen and Sister Mary, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania when suddenly, a tiny Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

“Oh my!” shouts Sister Mary. “What shall we do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on.
That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary switches them on, knocking Dracula about but he clings on and continues hissing at them.

“What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windshield washer.
I filled it up with Holy Water,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin but clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“What now?” shouts Sister Mary.

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.

“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Mary as she opens the window
and shouts, “Get the @#%& off the car!”

tip o’the paper bag to
Murray “The Unknown Comic” Langston
for this little gem
underlying art by
Tony Masero

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Fictoid: One Day At Castle Frankenstein…

13/10/2014

make me woman cap

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Fictoid: One Day In The Strike Zone…

7/10/2014

did it hurt cap

“Did it hurt”///

“Did what hurt?”///

“When you fell from heaven”///

“Wait — did you just call me Satan?”///

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Fictoid: the simplest answer is most often correct…

17/09/2014

James R Bingham - looks like suicide cap

underlying art by James R. Bingham

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Fictoid: One Day In A Galaxy Not So Far, Far Away…

1/09/2014

Walter Baumhofer not the droids1

“These are not the droids you’re looking for.” //

“?!?!?  What the #%@& are you talking about, lady?  
There aren’t any droids in that car!” //

“Wow, that worked better than I thought it would…”

underlying art by Walter Baumhofer

 

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As Perfect A Summation Of Noir As Could Be Hoped For

24/08/2014

Alex Sharpe Ross - I had to do it 2

“He was my husband,” said Mercedes.

“I had to do it,” said the man.

“Yes, I know,” she murmured.

text from “My Husband Is A Redhead”
by Bill S. Ballinger in Cosmopolitan, October 1956
art by Alex Sharpe Ross

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Guest Fictoid: the wrong people get writer’s block

17/08/2014

things went all splodey

text (c) Diana Davis

Things went all ‘splodey. The good guys fought. The bad guys fought. Ouch, someone got hurt. More ‘splodey. Pew-pew. Good guys win!

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Fictoid: So I Says To St. Pete…

10/08/2014

Hieronymus Bosch - garden of earthly delights1

Hieronymus Bosch – Garden Of Earthly Delights

So I says to St. Pete
says I to he
How come
there’s no
gate to heaven?

St. Pete says,
Oh we’ve got the gate
and it works very well.

Understand this life
and the previous life
are like elevators
in a skyscraper.  

Down in the lobby level,
anybody can walk
back and forth, back and forth
between the two sides.

One side is the love others side,
and the other is the love myself side.

Depending on which side
you’re on when you die,
that’s the elevator you take
to the penthouse.

Now, those of you on the love others side,
when you died you came straight up here
non-stop, like a utility elevator: 
Not exactly plush,
but it gets you there.

But if you were on the love myself side,
the fancy elevator takes you to a foyer
just outside the penthouse.  

We have a canned message playing, saying,
“Every thing you think you believed was true is false
and if you renounce it, you can come in.  
Take all the time you want in making your decision.”

Now here’s the thing:  
If you were on the love myself side,
you’re not caring about other people,
you’re wondering how you
are going to get into heaven.

You’re asking yourself,
“Is this a trick?  
Did I really believe
the wrong thing, or
are they just testing me?

“If I do renounce my belief,
and it was a test,
then I’m in hell for all eternity.

“But if they are telling the truth,
and I don’t renounce my belief,
then I’m damning myself to hell.”

You, and the others on this side,
worried less about getting to heaven
than you worried about loving your neighbors,
treating people fairly,
acting justly and
compassionately.  
You have no belief to renounce
because you were doing,
not believing.

The other side,
they’re stewing away,
sweating it out,
wondering which answer is correct.  

And they know they only get
one shot at answering it,
and that answer
will determine
where they spend eternity.

Wellwhat about
the ones to choose,

one way or another?  
What do you do
when they come
through the gate?  

What do you say
about their choice
either way?

Never had that problem.  
They’re so anxious for themselves,
they never get around to making the final choice.  
Every time they nearly convince themselves one way,
they turn around and argue themselves out of it the other.  
Lacking love, they possess only fear,
and fear is what keeps them from entering.

Seems mighty cruel.

St. Pete shrugs.  
Keeps the assholes out.

(c) Buzz Dixon

 

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Fictoid: One Night At David Gerrold’s House

3/08/2014

James R Bingham - I finally killed the last tribble cap

underlying art by James R. Bingham

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Fictoid: One Day While Trimming Flowers…

31/07/2014

pass me art by Joe Bowler

 

“Hand me the scissors.”

“‘Hand me the scissor, please.’  
It doesn’t hurt to be polite.

“If I didn’t say
‘Hand me the scissors,
mother-fncker’ then
I was being polite.”

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